There are times when the drumbeat of ‘change’ is so loud that we forget that one of the best forms of change, ‘improvement’ in other words, includes an honest assessment and an acceptance of who we are. There are so many forces at work pushing change on us—to be thinner, richer, taller, more successful, more outgoing , you name it. Yet amid the cacophony of ‘change’ loudly ringing in our ears is a different yet powerful drumbeat: how to improve ourselves through a deep understanding of albeit honest self-acceptance.
‘I don’t want to be changed; I just want to be better.’ I don’t want to be transformed; I want to grow.
This is what many of us truly mean.
At the core of this philosophy was the notion that, for better or worse, we are the sum total of our strengths and weaknesses, our flaws and failings, as well as our abilities and talents. We should not seek to eliminate our weaknesses but instead learn to see them as potential strengths.
Rather than fostering insight into how we can improve ourselves, all too often self-criticism keeps us stuck in patterns of negativity that we believe to be the inevitable truth about who we are. Operating from the mistaken assumption that there is some kind of universal truth out there; whether it be a harsh father figure who says ‘Stop being so childish!’ or a judgmental girlfriend who sighs while scrolling through Instagram, telling us that we deserve to be miserable. The fact is, you don’t.
My research explains why. Perfection is an illusion. Like something glimpsed on the horizon, the closer to it you get, the further away it seems.
If you’re broken, repair. If you’re missing, replace. If you’re suffering, heal. If you’re lost, remember your purpose. If too much, be less. If too little, be more.
But whatever you do, don’t stop believing in the importance of your search. And never, ever give up. This way, in all its simplicity, is the invisible lodestar for all those who draw on the lessons of a psychospiritual practice in their quest for self-compassion and resilience. Not by beating ourselves up for not being perfect, we learn to empathise with our seeming shortcomings: ‘If you’re broken, repair. If you’re missing something, replace. If you’re suffering, heal.’ Every setback, every failure on the road of our journey is meant to serve as a stepping stone to our ultimate destination.
One of the biggest contributors to self-sabotage is social media. Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter—all these platforms have changed how we share and connect with others forever. But there’s a dark side to all that instant connection, a side that has damaged our self-confidence. If we don’t share, in the social media realm, we cease to exist. And so we research, filter, curate, and distil the image we choose to reveal, and share, highlighting our most glorious moments for all the world to see and stingily comparing them against our own lives.
And why not?
It would be ruder not to. So we see everyone being happy and successful, living the life they would have us believe they are living. In this version of experience, which arises because that is what people choose to share, you could be forgiven for thinking that everyone is successful and happy. It has been said that constantly comparing yourself to others on social media is the greatest thief of joy, and no field illustrates this more.
In a culture that insists we need to change because we’re not good enough, it takes courage to engage with self-acceptance, to recognise our abilities and skills, to acknowledge the things we may not do so well, and to plough on with a quiet acceptance of our fallibilities and our shortcomings. To step into the world with grit and composure. In other words, to find ways of improving that involve not becoming a different person, but bringing our best self to our current circumstances. There’s a metaphor for self-acceptance:
the journey is more important than the destination. The trip itself brings us closer to how we might realise ourselves.