Are you emotionally immature?

You and your friend are studying for an exam throughout the week in preparation for the test on Friday, which you both did pretty well on. Now, the two of you are confident that you will indeed pass the class and that you won’t end up taking summer classes. However, the two of you get your results back, and your grade is much lower than what you thought it would be. You are crushed. Conversely, your friend doesn’t seem to feel very bad at all, and it’s only now that you begin to wonder why the two of you can’t get over this as your friend did; further, you begin to wonder if you should be trying to do just that. But is there anything wrong with that? The simple answer is ‘no’. You shouldn’t be trying to look on the bright side, and perhaps more importantly than not, you also cannot really control your emotions in the first place.

The last question has a clear-cut answer: yes. We have many ways to control our feelings. The most useful framework for understanding these techniques is called the Process Model. Psychologists use the process model to find out where and how to intervene in the process that causes an emotion. That process has four steps:

• Situation: We enter a situation, real or imagined, and that draws our attention.
• Appraisal: We evaluate the situation and whether it helps or hinders our goals.
• Emotional Response: This leads to a set of experienced changes in feeling, thinking, and behaving.
• Intervention: Each of these steps provides a space for conscious intervention and shifts in emotion. The Process Model specifies potential intervention strategies at each phase.

Here’s an illustration using the above example of your least-favorite ex and their new date being invited to the same party as you. The first strategy would be to skip the party entirely. If you do go, a second strategy could be:

• Modifying the Situation: Choose not to interact with your ex.
• Switching Attention: Play with your friends and avoid fixating on your ex-partner’s new date.
• Re-evaluating: Seriously reappraise things, maybe realizing that you don’t care who your ex dates.

And, as a last resort, if all of those fail, you might attempt to dampen your actual emotional response afterward. This is easily the trickiest area. Among the easiest-to-employ ways of doing this — covering up, altering your emotions with mood-altering drugs, and so on — tend, in most cases, to be among the worst choices for your long-term emotional and physical well-being. More sustainable strategies here include:

• Going for a long walk.
• Taking slow, deep breaths.
• Talking with someone in your support system.

Although all these strategies require practice to use them well, noticing your emotions and reflecting on what’s prompting them is already half the battle, and once you truly internalize that it’s in your power to regulate your emotions, then you’ll find yourself doing it much more easily.

But should you use these techniques to sustain a good mood? That depends on what you mean by ‘good mood’. it is an understandable temptation to think we should always try to avoid sadness and frustration Yet no emotion is inherently good or bad — it is helpful or unhelpful depending on the context.

For instance, when a friend tells you something sad, like the death of their loved one, it would not only be inappropriate but frankly not very helpful to refuse to feel bad. In this kind of situation, it can be actively helpful to express your sadness. On the other hand, while running around with a perpetually stony face is extremely unhealthy, it would be entirely reasonable to force a smile and power through a quick bout of annoyance.

We’re told to be cheerful, we’re told not to try to be cheerful, and we’re told that this is just the way we are … Life is full of mixed messages about feelings, and, in the end, everyone has to work out their own response. But this suggests that if the question is: ‘Should you always try to be happy?’ the answer is: ‘No’.

Studies imply that people obsessed with their happiness can have a second order of negative emotions — guilt, for instance, or anger at oneself for being upset, or disappointment at not feeling happier. This is not to suggest that you should leave sadness or anger to run their course. But with reappraisal at your fingertips, you can reframe your thinking about a situation, acknowledging that you feel sad and that you believe that things have the potential to improve.