Explore your love style
We all communicate love in a different way — sometimes they’re positive, other times negative behaviors and thought processes. In one study, when these behaviors were tracked as children grew up, those who had a secure connection to their parents when they were children were more likely to be better connected in their interpersonal relationships later on, whereas children who had more insecure relationships were more likely to have those same unhealthy behaviors and to display instability in their relationships and connections later on in life. According to Dr Milan and Yurkovich, there are five core love styles, often a direct result of one’s childhood.
What does your love style say about your childhood?
The Avoider:
People with the avoider type often come across as standoffish and detached. They like to keep their guard up and distance themselves from their feelings because getting too close to their emotions could put them at risk. And because they don’t want to get caught in other people’s emotions, the avoider can be uncomfortable when other people around them break down or get emotional. If you have the avoider love style as a child, you probably grew up experiencing little affection in your home. You might have been raised with an emphasis on being strong, independent, and self-reliant. You might have been upset about something — but you probably weren’t comforted. Somatic and emotional comfort might not have been offered to you as you went through your childhood struggles. And when do you remember receiving sympathy or support? Perhaps at some point, you tried to ignore your need for support and, instead, tuned out your feelings. Perhaps you did this to cope with the unrelenting stress and anxiety that came with the lack of comfort from your parents or caregivers.
The Vacillator:
As defined in the Oxford dictionary, to vacillate is to alternate or waver between some opinions or actions; and to be indecisive. If you are the type ‘vacillator’ in love, you could idealize a new relationship but, if the other person showed any trait or behavior you hadn’t imagined and so did not fit into the story you’d created in your imagination, you could spurn the relationship and, perhaps, end it. As a child, you probably had lived with your unstable or inconsistent parent. He or she might have constantly left home for short or long periods of time. Your parent could have come home late and gone out often and/or met new people often — even when you needed your parent. Whatever your experience, you were not in the eye of your parent’s love-hurricane. You therefore might have developed a fear of abandonment, because your needs were not your parent’s primary focus. As a child and as an adult, you were probably extremely sensitive and sensitive to the slightest sign that anyone close to you might be withdrawing.
The Controller:
If you came from a family filled with chaos, despair or lack of safety, you might see that you can’t help but keep your feet on the ground through controlling things. And being in control means that you can keep from feeling too vulnerable: really, you need to feel in control, because you probably felt that, in some way, you were fairly alone in the world. Hurt happened. Perhaps you saw that nobody came to your aid or perhaps nobody there knew how to make you protected, least of all your parents. You probably didn’t venture outside your comfort zone and you found a way of keeping yourself away from scary feelings. You were tougher than your feelings. You probably learned very early how to look after yourself.
The Pleaser:
One of the hallmarks of the pleaser love type is their preoccupation with making sure those around them are happy at all times. In order to ensure that, the pleaser often sacrifices her own wants, needs, and even boundaries to keep everyone happy. Pleasers also become covert observers of the moods of those around them. If someone they interact with shows a change in mood, the pleaser may feel anxious, upset, or stressed inside or try to do everything they can to calm the person. If you are conscious of having a pleaser love type, you will find that you don’t like or enjoy dealing with and handling conflict. Life becomes a lot more complicated because you may lie or say or do something or go without something that the other person wants just so that you can avoid conflict. A lot of the time you won’t say no to anybody or establish a lot of boundaries. As a young child, you grew up with a parent who was a control freak or overly protective and encroached on everything you did. Your parent may have had a lot of standards and expectations for you to follow, and to make sure you did well in everything they did. If you didn’t do as well as they wanted you to, they let you know, and you didn’t receive a positive reaction from them for your efforts. Instead of receiving a lot of comfort and reassurance from your parents, you may have been supporting them, giving them comfort when they were overly reactive or apologizing for things that you didn’t have control over. When your parent reacted in these ways, you may have done whatever you could to make sure that you didn’t get a negative response from them, even if it meant that you lied to them about something.
The Victim:
Victims don’t have much confidence in their lovableness, and they likely have either depression or anxiety. Victims can be in a relationship, but they just go through the motions: Vulnerable, fearful victims may be drawn to a controller through familiarity — ‘he’s what I had growing up’ — and not even realize it because he just feels familiar. Victims are good at being compliant; it’s an easier or even more comfortable way to get by, and it’s what they’re used to. If this is you, and love is hard, you’re more likely to have come from a chaotic home. It’s obvious that both the rejections and the belittlement were due to parental anger — and maybe even violence. You learned to keep yourself safe by learning to comply. How did you amuse yourself as a child? Victims often escape via their imagination: they’re too present in the moment if they don’t; it’s too painful for them. These five styles of loving offer us better explanations about the darker parts of how we respond — and react — within our relationships because they reveal what we’re responding to based on our childhoods.
So, where do you find yourself from these types?