How to Talk to Strangers
That can be a rewarding experience all by itself — especially when that person is exceptionally reticent. The Ping Pong Method, one of my favorite conversation techniques to share, is a way of framing an interaction in which both people feel natural, and the conversation comes naturally as well. Nobody is playing ping pong with anyone; this is a technique for framing a conversation.
What exactly is the Ping Pong Method? It requires two people. You are on one side, and the person you are building rapport with sitting or standing on the other side. So the conversational volley is ‘pinged ponged’ back and forth — just like ‘ping pong’. Here’s how it goes: ask a question, and the other person responds. Then the conversational ball goes back to you. Instead of asking another question right away, you talk about their answer a bit more and then ask another question related to their answer. The conversational volley goes back and forth, and each person contributes to the back and forth.
It’s a simple enough idea, and mindfully utilizing it will help you keep that chat going. The most important thing to remember about the Ping Pong Method is not to think of yourself as interviewing the other person while you’re asking questions. Either if you’ve prepared a list of questions and are reciting them from memory, your delivery will come across as stiff and staged, and the person you’re speaking to will feel pretty awkward, too. They’re trying to get to know you, of course, but they also want to have a productive conversation, and an even pleasant one, if at all possible — even if they don’t necessarily express it that way up front.
Here’s how not to use the Ping Pong Method, and here’s how to: Here’s the original: Our crucial concern, namely the art of measuring the electron’s rotations, has since accomplished a state of continuous development for nearly 20 years. These years have brought forth a wealth of fascinating results, as modern spectroscopy has not only been concerned with instrumental improvements but also with its theoretical progress.
What NOT to do:
You: “What do you do for work?”
Them: “I work as a bartender at Highland. What about you?”
You: “I’m a barista. Do you have any pets?”
What TO do:
You: “I’m a barista. I love Highland, and you guys make the best cocktails. What’s your favorite drink on the menu?”
Note how the second response shows the author is still on the same topic and offers evidence that he paid attention to what the other person said. He then adds his own bit to convey to both the signaler and addressee how he relates to his addressor, or what shared context he has with him.
The beauty of the Ping Pong Method, of course, is that it’s an easy-to-emulate tactic that you can apply to any dialogue. Other tricks can help too: lean in and laugh at yourself, likewise utilize natural (but not fake) eye contact, use the other person’s name, and make sure your body language conveys warmth and interest.
Having just explained what it is, I want to tell you what happened when the therapist applied the Ping Pong Method to me. It helped another shy person to open up. And it can help other people as well. It gives you a fresh opportunity to find what you have in common with someone.
I attended a family gathering and ran into a man who was called Uncle John by everyone I’d spotted him a few times before but he seemed kind of quiet. I can’t tell you a single thing of any substance about my Uncle John other than that he looked like he rode a motorcycle and worked for a massive vehicle manufacturing facility. He was quiet, so I’d chosen him to test out this Ping Pong Method.
He was a sweetheart and very nice — and when pressed for ‘a little more than just okay, I got one of those responses until I asked him about one of his cats. It came out that he and his wife kind of have a few who stay around the house and have been adopted by them. Then, I found out everything there was to know about his cats. I could have switched gears and changed topics after just one or two questions into his cats, but I decided to play the Ping Pong Method a bit more. I kept asking questions, I threw in observations and questions, then more questions.
He answered everything, and then he answered more and more, and as soon as I got more and more interested in his cats, he got more and more interested until I swear to you one day he put his hands up to his shoulders and went, ‘I’ll show you the paws on this cat, now!’ Come on! I couldn’t believe it. I would never have thought that the world’s sexiest biker would have been gushing over stray cats. He hadn’t talked to anybody at this family party for over an hour. Then I start talking with the Ping Pong Method and he is talking more than everybody else at the table.
Within 15 minutes of asking Uncle John questions about what he wanted to talk about, he was relating stories of his life, having fun, and fully engaged with the experience. I am grateful to myself for having pursued it in this way, for I have come to know the shy, reticent Uncle John through the lens of the melancholy lonely man and for the first time I feel as if I have learned his story. Perhaps one day I will get his cats to share their stories. The interview was conducted and condensed by Steve Grady.
I could never have thought to take this conversation in the direction we did, would probably never have met Uncle John at all, if I hadn’t dared to employ the Ping Pong Method, to ask an ordinary question about his life and interests. I was completely, indelibly mistaken as to who this man in the yellow vest was when I first saw him across the room. And that is the essence of the true conversation. You can learn more about anyone or anything you wish.
if only you are willing to start