Family First

The word conjures up all manner of feelings and memories, from a grandmother’s hug to collective giggles at dinner or a brother’s presence when things go awry. Family IS.

The parents who bring us into the world, the grandparents who tell us what it was like when we were not yet born, the siblings with whom we grow up — these are our blood relations, the familial ties that link us across the generations. These blood bonds are deep and powerful, creating the shared lineage of the family.But family is wider than that. Family includes shared experiences and delights, shared histories and ceremonies, shared stories, jokes and beliefs. It is a shared identity.

Individuals who are sure of their place in the world tend to be happier than their more insecure peers. Going from birth to death is an inevitable passage. But it doesn’t have to be a solitary journey. The happiest people are those who find a village (or network of villages). They belong to something bigger than themselves, something good. Whether it’s the neolithic tribes gathering around a fire or the families spread across a world, humans crave connection. We long for acceptance, compassion and love. We dream about a home where our weirdness is tolerated, our imperfections forgiven, our dreams nurtured.

Still, family life can be far from heavenly as well. The very bonds that lift us up can sometimes put us on edge. As centre-stage spectacles of sibling rivalries smoulder, generational collisions erupt, and Sunday feasts degenerate into turf wars between ageing patriarchs and headstrong children. These too are part of the deal. And it’s from these frictions that we derive the pliancy to bend with the wind, the fortitude to quarrel and forgive, the elasticity to laugh at our own expense.

And what if your chosen family doesn’t satisfy your needs for support and loving connection? If you are lucky, friends and mentors can give us strength and comfort. For these selected others, the distinction between ‘family’ and ‘friend’ blurred as the mentors and friends became family. Yes, we have become kinder and more generous toward each other and to others; the broader our circle of love, the more likely we are to feel supportive.

Candles that must be birthday candles, holiday feasts, and fire stories around campfire add magic to family life, tether us to the past, and cement us to each other. Traditions become the glue that holds generations together.

For those of us who have survived childhood, we come to value family as a thing not just of the present, but of the future: we are the storytellers of a tale that is still unfolding, bequeathing new meaning while we are alive, long after we leave the stage. The recipes, the annual holidays, the standards of conduct, the jokes, the highs and lows — all connect us to the continuum of humankind. Each one of our families begins (and in most cultures, ends) with us, but we cannot tell ourselves that we have really lived without a sense of the next chapter.

Family, whether formed by blood or by choice, is a reservoir of love, resilience, and growth, a mosaic of laughs and tears and dreams. So, treasure your family, keep it bright, let its love comfort and support you, and keep you firm and unwavering. For family is a gift that comes once in a lifetime. It is the most important relation we have in our lifetime, and without family we are nothing. If you don’t have a family but are looking for one, start by choosing to be your own best friend and create your own family by drawing near to friends.