There is a shift in the way that we think about relationships that promise to make our interactions better, to bring more depth and meaning. ‘I’ll take care of you if you’ll take care of me’ is an old refrain, a best-practice approach to relationship dynamics. The problem, of course, is the gates all seem to open in one direction. But what if we could recast our thinking in the form of a relationship mantra: ‘I’ll take care of me for you if you’ll take care of you for me.’ It might be one of the simplest changes possible in the management of personal life and daily relationships, but the implications are enormous.
Within the simplistic framework of mutual care, “I look out for you if you look out for me” reciprocity is the rule. Mutuality implies equality and fairness, and therefore at first glance seems the most supportive. Yet reciprocal mutual support is often short-sighted. This model asks someone else to bear the responsibility of making sure that you are okay. This can be a dangerous approach, leaving the door open to entrapment and resentment. It heightens the sense of deprivation and disappointment when the other person fails to be all that you want, as all humans sometimes do.
This is why I alter the old line: ‘I’ll take care of me for you if you take care of you for me.’ Of course, we still have to rely on other people and they have to rely on us. But how are all our relationships impacted if we instead put forth the effort to take good care of ourselves first, so that we can bring our best selves to others? To me, self-care is the key to strong, healthy relationships are composed.
Personal Development is the Best Gift to a Friend
The best thing you can do for a friend or other half is to become 10 times wiser, stronger, better, and more yourself It sounds obvious, but the benefits to a relationship of personal development are multiple and multiplied. You’re not only a better-developed person when you come to your relationship but you also bring that greater level of wisdom, strength, and distinctiveness to the table. This enriches the experience you both have, with the potential for more meaningful support, understanding, and companionship.
Self-sacrifice elicits scorn rather than thanks. While the subjective sentiment that lies behind self-sacrificial ‘giving’ might be noble, it can also lead to self-neglect and resentment. When attempts to take on another’s burdens and demands are not reciprocated in some way, they generate an imbalance that will ultimately be unsustainable. Instead, self-investment produces a relationship that is both more rewarding and more enduring.
It is not selfish to invest in yourself. It is a duty. You need to be ready to tackle life and love without being thrown down by the roughest waves that try to knock you off your path. You need to possess the sturdiness and joy of life so that, when the time comes, you can give from the fullness of your will.
If both partners embrace this philosophy this will lead to a relationship built on respect and admiration; your partner will be responsive to you because you are dependent on your own aspirations for creating a fulfilled life — one in which the other person is part but not your only source of happiness. This idea of mutual dependence on your care seems to offer a mature, healthy model of emotional integrity, bringing increased rewards for both partners.
I got your back if you got mine works in part because we know that by caring for ourselves, we’ll be better able to care for others, thereby supporting our relationships. This healthier way of being in the world leads to better health and thereby greater ability to provide for ourselves — and sustain the relationships that mean so much to us. Better will be good enough.